By Jim Aquila

We have heard it said, “Act normal”, and for the life of me I could not tell you what acting normal is all about.  Did you ever wonder who created normal?  Was it found in the media?  In huge companies?  The government, or in People themselves?  Does the word normal have anything to do with what's socially acceptable?

Normal as defined by the American Heritage Dictionary is "Conforming, adhering to, or constituting a usual or typical pattern, level or type; usual; typical."  It's use in a descriptive sentence causes controversy because everyone's perception of normal is different.  Because of this, I wonder why the word is used to describe something so diverse and different in personality as humans.  Even the example in the dictionary could cause one to stir.  It says: "Almost all normal people want to be rich."  Who's to say if that's normal?  Is it abnormal not to want to be rich without great effort?  Wouldn't it make more sense to say, "Many people want to be rich without effort.”  Normal is one of the most misused words in the English language.

How dare we use that word or even let it leave our lips?  As controversial as it can be can we humans clearly find a definition that fits?  We try to fool ourselves into thinking we know what's right but who can name that word correctly without starting a fight.  Webster's classifies it as regular and not abnormal, but once again, I ask who can say what makes it normal?  In my opinion, there is no such thing.  There is no one capable of making sense out of that definition.  Normal is simply "Usual" no matter how hard some keep wishing.

In addition, Relationships are often associated with love.  They can be, but need not be the only example.  When you look at a relationship, you're looking into the face of enjoyment.

The experience of a relationship is much the same, it is a condition that changes our preferences.

We establish relationships with many different types of people.  Our family members, neighbors, co-workers, friends, spouses, significant others, etc.  We have been taught that the value of love is different in each case, depending on what the relationship is all about. We even have different names for it such as agape for spiritual love and Eros for sexual love.

The emotion of love, found within relationships is the same regardless of who it is meant for.  You want them to be happy, and you learn to accept them as they are, and you appreciate some aspect about them.  Therefore, if love is the same, why does it feel so different depending on which relationship you are in.

The distinctions found in the loving experience are apparent when we look at how we interact within that relationship.  Love is expressed when you give your attention, your time, and your focus to someone.  Webster defines attention as “the giving of one’s mind to something, i.e. mental concentration, notice, thoughtful of others.”

Our emotions are the same, but how we express those emotions are different depending on which relationship your in.  You may want to spend more time with your friends than your family members.  You might enjoy different activities with your co-workers than you do with your spouse.  However, ignoring the responsibilities of the family carries with it a whole set of consequences that make themselves known in spite of our trying to avoid the penalties.

When and how we express love will be determined by our PREFERENCES.  You may prefer to spend more time with someone who is outgoing, rather than quiet, or more serious rather than silly.  You may be more physically attracted to someone who is short rather than tall, or younger rather than older.  There is an endless number of qualities that we might prefer over others.  And those preferred qualities determines who, when, and how we express our emotions.

The focus in this article is on relationships and the emotions of the heart, since this seems to be the area of most interest and concern.  This is not surprising since people are the main focus of who we choose to share our lives with.

Love Relationships

A romantic relationship is one where you have a deep feeling or connection to the other person.  All systems are go.  You accept them as they are; want them to feel good, and deeply appreciate who they are, and vice versa.  They fit in with most, if not all, of your preferences as a life partner, i.e., personality, life goals, beliefs and value systems, etc.  One of the ways you desire to express your love for them through your sexuality.  Sex is the one key element that distinguishes a romantic relationship from all other types.

It is important to note that the above statement about love is based on a monogamous relationship within marriage, and between one man and one woman.  Enough said.

Great, all that sounds wonderful, but why is there so much pain in these types of relationships?  And who hasn't experienced the pain of love?  Or is it the pain of love or the pain of rejection that we most fear?  This is where we start getting into all the “add-ons” of love.  Love baggage, we might call it.  For some reason, many people assume negative emotions are always a part of the element of love.  Love is not painful.  It feels great!  The pain and hurt we feel doesn’t come from love, it comes from our doubts, fears, anxiety, perceived rejections, broken trusts, anger, jealousy, and envy.  So why do we, as a culture, lump all those other feelings in with love.

Perhaps its because we feel these “uncomfortable” emotions most often in association with our love relationships.  Our primary relationships are important to us, so we assume these doubts are a part of the loving experience.  Nevertheless, is this a true statement?  When we are fearful, angry, anxious, unhappy, or jealous, are we truly functioning within the framework of loving our partners?

Many times, we turn our love relationships from a “want” into a “need”, particularly if we are not giving ourselves the acceptance we crave.  When we are not feeling good about who we are, we become dependent on our partner to help us “feel good” about ourselves.  The threat of them leaving the relationship causes panic and anxiety, because we fear losing something we perceive to “need” in order to live.

This isn’t about love; this is internal insecurity about how life would be without them.  If we felt empty before they appeared in our lives, we will most likely fear the emptiness returning if they leave, so their staying with us becomes paramount.  However, this is not love.  Love feels good and generates security.

Are You In Love or are you Infatuated?

There are some feelings we have when infatuated that we do not have when we are feeling love.  Some of the “symptoms” of infatuation are; feelings of panic, uncertainty, overwhelming lust, feverish excitement, impatience, and/or jealously.  When infatuated, we are thrilled, but not happy, wanting to trust, yet suspicious.  There are lingering, nagging doubts about our “partner in infatuation” and their supposed love for us.  We are miserable when they are away, almost as if we are not complete unless we are with them.  It is a rush, and it is intense like a “shot” of adrenaline”.  It is difficult to concentrate when in this frame of reference.  In addition, most infatuation in relationships has a high degree of sexual charge surrounding them.  Somehow being with that person is not complete unless it ends in some type of sexual encounter.

Do any of these “symptoms” resemble feelings of love?  Hardly, so why do we become infatuated?  Where does this feeling come from?  Perhaps it is biological.  A friend and colleague of mine, Dr. Kenneth Blum, Professor of Pharmacology a Division of Addictive Diseases, as well as Directory of the Laboratory of Pharmacogenetics, at the University of Texas Health Science Center, said:

"When infatuated we experience a surge of dopamine that rushes through the brain causing us to feel good.  Norepinephrine flows through the brain stimulating production of adrenaline (pounding heart).  Phenylethalimine (found in chocolate) creates a feeling of bliss.  Irrational romantic sentiments may be caused by oxytocin, a primary sexual arousal hormone that signals orgasm and feelings of emotional attachment.  Together these chemicals sometimes override the brain activity that governs logic."

The body can build up tolerances to these chemicals so it takes more of the substance to get that special feeling of infatuation.  People who jump from relationship to relationship may be craving the intoxicating effects of these substances and may be “infatuation junkies”.  However, when the chemical flood dries up, the relationship either moves into a loving romantic one or there is disillusionment, the relationship ends.

Infatuations in Cyber-Relationships:  When talking about “love or are you Infatuated” we must include a relatively new area of concern relating to the Internet and Chat Rooms.  Included in this wide and diverse arena of relationships are relationships formed in Cyber-space.  Relationships that are formed in cyber-space:

1)  Are generally guarded and undercover meaning that the relationship is usually formed and carried on in secret.

2)  Have strong sexual overtones leading to chatting in restricted areas or rooms with the specific purpose of arousing and stimulating sexual appetites of the cyber-partners.

3)  Often leads to physical meeting and physical contact between the parties involved.

4)  Requires continued and increasing exposure in order sustain mental, emotional and physical stimulation.

5)  Always, if continued, results in marriage break-ups with resulting severe mental and emotional problems.

There are many other consequences resulting from indiscriminate activity and behavior over the Internet.  The five that I have listed are by no means inclusive.  Let me assure you that there is help to be found and relationships can be repaired by addressing the genetic and emotional confusion that accompanies the haphazard use of Cyber-space.

Then what is Love?

I have had it said to me “that you don’t know what love is.”  For some reason, throughout history these words have been uttered by many thousands of individuals throughout the world.  As a world culture, we have made the process of love to be mysterious, complex, difficult, and un-definable.  It’s the subject of endless poems and literary works.  There is an enormous amount of material available about love, much of which is contradictory.

We’ve been given the impression that defining love is a near to impossible task.  Maybe there’s fear that if we define it, it would somehow be less powerful, make a less an impact on our mind, and be less exhilarating.  Maybe we like the mystery of it.  Nevertheless, is love really that complicated?  Perhaps the complications surrounding love come from all the additional stuff we add to this powerful emotion.  Lets drop all the baggage surrounding love and define what it is we are experiencing - so we can further clarify what an ideal relationship could be like.

Basic Components of Love: What do you feel when you love someone?  If distilled down to its core components, what would those be like to you?  Yes, love is an emotion, a feeling, a wanting, and a “being”.  We know it feels good, but what specific feelings, wanting, and beings are present when we feel love?  Here are the common denominators of love.  Also found in 1 Corinthians 13:1-8.

Love is accepting.  Acceptance is labeling someone as "okay" and having no particular desire to change them.  Who they are is perfectly fine with you and you pose no condition on whether you will love them or not.  This is call unconditional love.  When your love is conditional, the moment others step outside your set of expectations, love evaporates.

Love is appreciating: Appreciation is one step beyond acceptance.  Its when your focus is on what you like about another.  We look at another and feel this sweeping appreciation for who they are, their joy, their insights, their humor, their companionship, etc.  When someone says they are "in love" with another, they mean their appreciation is so enormous for this person that it consumes their every thought process.

Love wants another to feel good: We want those we love to be happy, safe, healthy, and fulfilled.  We want them to "feel good" in all ways, physically, mentally and emotionally and spiritually.

How do we express love?  We don’t always express our love in healthy ways.  Love is a feeling and the expression of that feeling is separate from its action.  There’s a practical reason we don’t always express our love for another.  It’s an issue of time.  We only have 24 hours in a day, and if the expression of love were a core ingredient to love, we would have to be stingy with who we loved.  Because there simply wouldn’t be enough, time to love everyone!  If you see the distinction between the feeling and the expression, you can then love endless numbers of people.

Love expressed is when you give your attention, your time, and your focus to someone. Webster defines attention as “the giving of one’s mind to something, i.e. mental concentration, notice, thoughtful of others.”

We give our attention to another in many ways.  We use our five senses.  Our ears to listen.  Being completely present with the one who is speaking.  With our eyes by watching another with undivided attention.  Taste and smell, (I’ll let you figure that one out).  Touching, giving a hug, holding a hand, a caress, or sexual expression.  It can take the form of thoughts, thinking about another, or gifts, both the thought that went into the gift and the actual physical giving of it.  How you express your love depends on the type of relationship.

Before leaving this subject, it is important to include the thought that love in its purest form comes from our creator God as a total expression of a Father for his children.  Love is a way of telling your partner that you believe in them and validate them.  It is the total expression of honesty and is therefore necessary for healing a relationship.

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