The
Rules of Honesty Part 2 Applying Compassion and
Empathy in Relationships By Jim Aquila |
Lying to ourselves is more deeply ingrained than lying to others -Fyodor Dostoyevsky |
||||||
HISTORICAL HONESTY Reveal information about your personal history, particularly events that demonstrate personal weakness or failure. While many people feel that embarrassing experiences or serious mistakes of the past should be forgotten, most psychologists recognize that these are sometimes signs of present weakness. For example, if someone has ever had an affair, he may be vulnerable and made the object of revenge. If someone has ever been chemically dependent, he or she is vulnerable to drugs or alcohol abuse in the future. By expressing past mistakes openly, your spouse and others can better understand your weaknesses, and together you can avoid conditions or triggers that tend to create problems for you. No area of your life should be kept secret. All questions asked by your spouse and others should be answered fully and completely, provided that when doing so will not cause more harm. Periods of poor adjustment in your past should be given special attention. Those previous conditions should be carefully understood, since problems of the past are commonly problems of the future. Of course the time of disclosure should be revealed before marriage. Carry this Rule of Honesty about your past all the way to the disclosure of all premarital and extramarital sexual relations. Showing true compassion is that a husband and a wife must confide in each other, regardless of the consequences. It is an extremely important part of their personal history, and it says something about their character as well as the ability to build trust. If you have had an affair in the past, your spouse should not trust you without due consideration of the consequences. But what if you haven't strayed since it happened? What if you've seen a church leader to regularly to hold you accountable? Why put your spouse through the agony of a revelation that could ruin your relationship forever? I would say you do not
give your spouse much credit! Honesty does
not cause insanity, dishonesty does. People
in general, and women in particular, want to know exactly what their spouses are thinking
and feeling. When you hold something back,
your spouse tries to guess what it is. If he
or she is right, then you must continually lie to cover your tracks. If he or she is wrong, an incorrect understanding
of you and your predisposition's develops. Maybe you don't really want to be known who you are? That of course is the saddest position of all to be in. You would rather keep your secret than experience one of life's greatest joys- to be loved and accepted in spite of any known weaknesses. This is true compassion. Some authorities have argued that the only reason people reveal past infidelity is because of their anger. They are deliberately try to hurt their spouses with the information. On the other hand, they might be doing it to relieve their own guilt at the expense of their spouse's feelings. While it is true that the spouse usually feels hurt, and vengeance or feelings of guilt motivate some, whenever correct information is revealed, an opportunity for understanding and change is presented. That opportunity is more important than unhealthy motivates or the feelings of temporary unhappiness. These revelations may need to be made in the presence of a professional counselor to help control the emotional damage. Some spouses have difficulty adjusting to revelations that have been kept secret for years. In many cases, they are reacting to fact that they had been lied to all that time. Some individuals with emotional weaknesses may need personal counseling to help them adjust to the reality of their spouses' past. The saints they thought they married turn out to be not so saintly. However, the most negative reactions to truth that I have witnessed have never destroyed a marriage. Dishonesty destroys intimacy, romantic love, compassion and marriages. CURRENT HONESTY: Reveal information about the events of your day. Provide your spouse with a calendar of your activities, with special emphasis on those that may affect your spouse. After six years of marriage, Ed discovered that it was easier to have a sexual relationship with a woman at the office than with his wife, Jennifer. As a result, he found Peggy a welcome solution to his sexual frustration. He spent time alone with her several times a week, and their sexual relationships was as fulfilling as he could have ever imagined. Ed justified this infidelity by assuming he was doing Jennifer a favor by not imposing his sexual requirements upon her. Whenever Jennifer wanted to make love to him, he happily accommodated her, but she did not feel a sexual need more than two or three times a month. Ed did not want to share information about his daily activities with Jennifer, since honesty would have ruined any hope of continuing this very satisfying solution. Moreover, the announcement of this relationship would have upset her. He still loved her very much and would not have wanted to put her through the grief of such a disclosure. So to preserve a temporary solution to his problem and to keep Jennifer from experiencing intense emotional pain, he felt that dishonesty was justified. Where is the compassion in this that the event should have even taken place. In a good marriage, husband and wife become so interdependent that sharing a daily schedule is essential to their coordination of activities. However, in weak marriages, couples are reluctant to provide their schedules, because they often engage in an assortment of relationship destroyers. They may know that their spouses would object to their activities, so they tell themselves: What they do not know will not hurt them. This is a sad commentary and shouts loudly the feminist’s attitudes that prevail in many relationships. Even when activities are innocent, it is extremely important for your spouse to understand what you do with your time, and be easy to check on and find should there be an emergency. Give each other your daily schedules so you can communicate about how you spend your time. Almost every thing you do will affect your spouse. Therefore it is important to explain what you do each day. If the couple described above had established a habit of exchanging daily information early in their marriage, his affair would have been almost impossible to arrange. In fact, if they had practiced honesty and compassion, his problem would probably not even have existed. Honesty is a terrific way to protect your spouse from potentially damaging activities. By knowing that you will be telling your spouse what you have been up to, you are far less likely to get either of you into trouble. FUTURE HONESTY: Reveal your thoughts and plans regarding future activities and objectives. After having made such a big issue of revealing past indiscretions, you can imagine how I feel about revealing future plans. They are much easier to discuss with your spouse, yet many couples make plans independently of each other. Some couples do not explain their plans because they do not want to change them, even if their spouses express negative reactions. They feel that explaining a future plan may "prepare the evening for war," and their spouses will successfully scuttle the plan. Some do not explain their future plans because they do not think their spouses would be interested. There is nothing upsetting about the plan, so there would be no point in revealing it- not so. When considering the reasons for secrecy, wanting to keep something from your spouse, is a poor choice to honesty. Nevertheless, even if your plans are innocent, when you fail to tell your spouse your future plans, you're engaging in a dishonesty. It is destructive because you do not really know what your spouse's reaction will be, and by failing to give advance notice, you may create a problem for the future. Have a Policy of Joint Agreement, (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse) is certainly relevant in discussions of your future plans. It just makes sense to follow the rule, when you make your plans, if you want to show compassion and love and avoid withdrawing them. You may feel your plans are best for both you and your spouse. Once your spouse sees the plan succeed, he or she will be grateful that you went ahead with it. On the other hand, you may feel that if you wait for your spouse's approval, you will never accomplish anything. Perhaps your wife or husband is so conservative that if you wait for her approval, you think you will miss every opportunity that comes your way. Regardless of how you feel about revealing your plans, failure to do so will destroy a relationship because you deliberately leave your spouse in the dark. If compassion and love are withdrawn at the time you're deceitful, they're almost sure to be withdrawn when your spouse realizes you've held back information. It also sets up a process of mutual loss when your plan fails to consider your spouse’s feelings. COMPLETE HONESTY: Do not leave your spouse with a false impression about your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities, or plans for the future. Do not deliberately keep personal information from your spouse. To some extent, this rule seems like motherhood and apple pie, or that it destroys individual independence. Who would argue that it's not a good idea to be honest? Nevertheless, in my years of experience I have constantly struggled with the belief of many individuals that dishonesty can be a good idea under certain conditions. Moreover, church authorities and counselors themselves often advise dishonesty. Granted, dishonesty is a good short-term solution to marital conflict. It'll probably get you off the hook for a few days or months. However, it's a terrible long-term solution. If you expect to live with each other for the next few years, dishonesty can get you into a great deal of trouble. It is understood that
false impressions are just as deceitful as outright lies!
The purpose of honesty is having the facts in front of you. Without them, you will fail to solve the simplest
marital problems. Why should it make a
difference how you fail to reveal the facts to each other, whether by lies or by giving
false impressions? Either way will leave your
spouse ignorant. The old saying, “what
you don’t know can’t hurt you” gives your mate a vivid picture of
dishonesty and can prevent you from to digging out these deceitful moments that eventually
choke the relationship and gives a false impression that your spouse is doing a good
job meeting your needs. The truth is that in
some areas you may be very dissatisfied. Only
the truthful expression of your feelings will create an opportunity to stop future losses. Only the truth can lead you to a solution. Deception can only lead to continuing misery. You cripple your spouse when you fail to reveal
the truth and you deliver a map that leads nowhere. -30 |
RETURN TO THE CONDITION PAGE OR MORE ARTICLES Share your thoughts, feelings, comments and impressions about this article. Formatted
To
|
||||||
