The Rules of Honesty
Applying Compassion and
Empathy in Relationships
By Jim Aquila
Honesty is compassion
and empathy’s lifeblood, its oxygen, its living breath. If we take away honesty, compassion and empathy
will lose its reason for being.
As we move around our
environment, and as we act with kindness, perhaps with indifference or with hostility
toward the people we meet, we are setting up a great network of influence. The life we touch for good or ill will touch
another life, and then another, until who knows where this influence stops or in what far
place it will be felt.
'He insulted me, he hurt me, he defeated me, he
robbed me. Those who think such thoughts are
not free of hate— for hate is not overcome by hate, it is overcome through compassion
and love.
Compassion is kindness. It is the warmth of human feeling and sits next to
love. It really means helping others, caring
for and cherishing others. It means
developing the feeling side of our nature to an unusual degree putting the concerns of
others on a par with those of oneself. It
means adopting a caring attitude towards anyone who requires our help, guidance,
reassurance or affection. Compassion is a
deeply healing quality. It is no exaggeration
to say it heals lives. It is about being
open, fluid, tolerant, warm and forgiving to all and having a kindly attitude to all;
including oneself.
“But though he cause grief, yet will he
have compassion according to the multitude of his mercies.” -Lamentations
3:32
I am still struggling
with some relationship issues and yet the opportunities to mend those issues seem
infinite. I often interact with people who
are in pain and are coping with trauma and/or emotional crisis. I have supported and coached many people through
difficult periods of their life often being the first person to show them their life can
be "half full" once again if they so choose.
Understanding what
people experience or what they perceive in their own environment is difficult at best and
hard to understand. However, I know that using "my knowledge" to treat
their physical ailments is often not enough. My
success if any, comes from taking the time to unite what is in my head with what is in my
heart. I often ask myself if I am truly
treating the "whole person". I
wonder at times if I am tapping into the power of utilizing the mind/body
connection. I have a unique privilege to combine alternative methods (what other
cultures have utilized for ages) with traditional medicine.
One of my challenges is
that I do not always create a connection with all patients that would move them forward. With some patients, I find myself in power
struggles. Some patients and/or family
members are so angry at their situation they become rude, obnoxious, domineering and can
be verbally abusive. I see them compromising
safety and well being to support their compulsiveness.
These individuals are the most challenging for me because it is easy to become
self-righteous and judgmental. After all, I'm
just trying to help and really do know what's best for them...or do I? I ask my Heavenly Father everyday, how do I show
compassion in these moments.
Staying in a space of
"compassion" is the key for me and yet my own ego, righteousness and "need
to be liked, accepted and wanted" kicks in at full speed. I allow myself to be easily hurt by words and
actions and my initial responses are to continue to try "getting it right" or
"fixing it" or to withdraw. None of
these emotions ever manifests the closeness I'm committed to creating for the relationship
and myself. In fact, it usually creates
distance. How can I make it safe for myself
and the other person to get close again, when we have both felt hurt? How do I have compassion for their experience and
not lose my own truths in the process? At
times, it seems like an either/or rather than an "and". How do I create a space where both of us can
simultaneously show up with our own, unique, strengths and truths and create a moment that
is inspiring verses a moment of confrontation.
One of my magnificent
discoveries, which I have come to accept, is my efficient intuitive nature. The question that I had to answer, “Is it
possible to be so caring and giving that some of its excess might come from the ego?” I had a basic need to help the one suffering,
often despite him/herself, but there comes a point when the effort may be coming from the
wrong place. The possibility that my efforts
developed into a power play is clear.
I came to a decision
that when my creative energy level drops, I allow the healer within, my Divine partner, to
play a more active role while I replenish my energy storehouse. The most difficult lessons that we all must learn
is humility, recognizing that even should a family member become obstinate or downright
ornery that we are not the only savior on the block.
Learn to smile inwardly when the challenge occurs and ask a prayer for assistance
while you gracefully withdraw.
Therefore the advice is:
catch yourself in the very process of challenge, even to the point of leaving the room for
two minutes before returning, and decide which part of yourself is being insistent, the
'righteously' veiled ego voice, or the truly compassionate flow from the Spirit. That will allow a humble posture to create truth
in your decision.
'We must respect fellow
members of the human family: our spouse, neighbors, our friends, and so forth. Compassion, loving kindness, and a sense of
brotherhood and sisterhood are the keys to human development, not only in the future but
in the present as well.
Compassion acts as a
form of medicine that dissolves away the hard-hearted and selfish attitudes. It leads you to be ever mindful of the needs and
deficiencies of others. It leads you to wish
to be of benefit to others. This is its
supreme quality. It is undoubtedly the single
most important spiritual quality because it leads straight to the innermost thoughts and
feelings of a spiritual nature. To exercise
compassion is therefore to train confidently towards enlightenment itself. Good health, success, happiness, and so forth are
all dependent upon kindness and a good heart.
In personal
relationships, most couples do the best they can to make each other happy. However, their efforts even though they are
sincere are often misdirected. They aim at
the wrong target.
It is ignorance, not
lack of effort that causes their ultimate downfall. Couples
are not only ignorant of ways to improve their marriages; they are often ignorant of the
problems themselves. To avoid conflict, they
sometimes deliberately misinform each other as to their feelings, activities, and plans. This not only leads to a withdrawal of trust and
love, when the deception is discovered, it also makes marital conflicts impossible to
resolve. As conflicts build, romance and
their spiritual natures slip away.
At the base of honesty
is the process of compassion. Reveal to your
spouse as much information about yourself as you know; your thoughts, feelings, habits,
likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities, and plans for the future, except when
to do so would cause further harm. These are basic building blocks to a spiritual
relationship. Supporting its framework is the
process of compassion and love.
EMOTIONAL HONESTY:
Reveal your emotional reactions, both positive and negative, to the events of your life,
particularly to your spouse's behavior.
One of the most
important reasons honesty is a basic requirement for developing compassion and a
successful marriage is that it enables a couple to learn to make appropriate adjustments
to each other. Without placing all the facts
on the table, an otherwise happy couple can become very unhappy as the events of life turn
against them.
The circumstances that
led us into a happy marriage are going to change over the years. With that basic understanding, we can then see
that a long-term happy marriage requires a considerable number of adjustments on the part
of both husband and wife. However, those
adjustments cannot be made unless both parties honestly explain their feelings to each
other. Any complaints on either part need to
be taken seriously.
The commitment to
honesty means feelings are openly expressed, whether the problem is resolved or even seems
resolvable. Honesty must continue through the
resolution of each problem. Your emotional
reactions are a gauge of whether you are making a good adjustment to each other. If you feel good, you need no adjustment. If you feel bad, a change is indicated.
Some people find it
difficult to openly express negative reactions. They
may fear that their response will be interpreted as criticism. On the other hand, they may feel ashamed of their
own reactions, telling themselves they should not feel the way they do. They may want unconditional acceptance from their
spouses and consider that their negative reactions prove their own inability to be
unconditionally accepting. Whatever the
reasons, many couples try to avoid expressing negative emotions.
While positive reactions
are easier to communicate, many couples have not learned to express these feelings either. This failure misses an important opportunity to
show compassion. Whenever your spouse has
made you feel good, if you express those feelings clearly and enthusiastically, you will
make your spouse feel good.
Expressing a feeling
differs from expressing an opinion. While you
should be free to express nonjudgmental opinions, too, feelings are emotional reactions to
life, while opinions are attitudes or beliefs. Said
another way, it is an opportunity to separate the deed from the individual carrying out
that deed. If your spouse does something that
bothers you, the correct way to express it is simply say that it bothers you. If you say your spouse made a mistake, you have
made a disrespectful judgment. If you say
your spouse should not do it again, you are making a selfish demand. The expression of feeling should not carry
judgmental or demanding baggage with it.
Failure to express negative feelings in a
compassionate way destroys confidence and trust because it brings about negative behavior. It prevents a resolution to a marital conflict,
because the conflict is not expressed. Negative
feelings are not disrespectful judgments, and they're not selfish demands. They simply provide evidence that a couple has not
yet achieved a successful marital adjustment.
Honesty is compassion and
empathy’s lifeblood, its oxygen, its living breath.
If we take away honesty, compassion and empathy loses its reason for being.
As we move around our environment and
as we act with kindness, perhaps or with indifference or with hostility toward the people
we meet, we are setting up a great network of influence.
The life we touch for good or ill will touch another life, and then another, until
who knows where this influence stops or in what far place it will be felt.
'He insulted me, he hurt me, he defeated me, he robbed me. Those who think such thoughts are not free of
hate— for hate is not overcome by hate, it is overcome through compassion and love.
Compassion is kindness. It is the warmth of human feeling and sits next to
love. It really means helping others, caring
for and cherishing others. It means
developing the feeling side of our nature to an unusual degree putting the concerns of
others on a par with those of oneself. It
means adopting a caring attitude towards anyone who requires our help, guidance,
reassurance or affection. Compassion is a
deeply healing quality. It is no exaggeration
to say it heals lives. It is about being
open, fluid, tolerant, warm and forgiving to all and having a kindly attitude to all;
including oneself. -30
“But though he cause grief, yet will he have compassion
according to the multitude of his mercies.” -Lamentations
3:32.