Part 3 "Gender Differences in Internet Behavior"

By Dr. Jim Aquila

Blame is relative.  Be careful pointing fingers.  You may be the one being pointed at!

Change is a matter of processing through a series of issues.  The first of which is denial.  Following closely is awareness, fact gathering, decision-making, understanding of social implications, adopting a new behavior, and practicing long-term commitment.  At any time in the process, it is common to have a relapse by going back to the first step, but progress is still possible.

In Part 2 we discussed how women have taken a leading roll in developing cyber-relationships with complete strangers.  We also discussed the changing rolls of women and how that change was impacting the spousal relationship.  In addition, we discussed some of the variations of cybersex, their dangers and the risk taking that women and men open themselves too.  In Part 3 we will be discussing some of the reasons for this type of behavior and some of the problems associated with forming lasting relationships.

Cultural Oppression

Cultural oppression is carried on through history when trauma is passed on from one generation to another without resolution.  Have you ever heard parents say, “I’ll never be that kind of parent, and then find themselves doing things their parents did.”  Breaking those cycles is very challenging.  Often, it is easier to put the problem aside with an intention to deal with it later.  Usually we have reached mid-life before we decide it’s time to address the issue.  We can’t achieve change alone, and we must recognize the role our families, our communities, the world at large and most important how we connect to God.

Individuals in relationship have to approach change together, but that doesn’t mean it’s necessary to wait for one or the other to agree that change is necessary.  Each individual must shift away from that type of thinking, where one is waiting for the other to make a move, and they must be prepared to go when ready.

Gender Differences

Gender influences the types of applications and underlying reasons for Internet addiction.  Application and frequency of use are two different and distinct elements of Internet use.  The cyber-fantasy world mirrors real life, it also mirrors the real life differences between how the genders approach matters of intimacy. It is an old, but very true, saying that "Men give love to enjoy sex, women give sex to obtain love."  So often in world of cyber-communication, there are the most heart wrenching problems arising over the different gender viewpoints associated with things sexual. 

Briefly, Men tend to seek out positions of dominance and sexual fantasy online.  Men can, and frequently do, engage in "casual" or "recreational" sex.  Generally, women do not.  A simple observation on my part, and limited to a narrow universe, is that married men predominate in the chat rooms, though only by a rather small margin.  On the female side, women seek out close friendships, romantic partners, and prefer anonymous communication in which to hide their appearance.  It seems to be a natural conclusion that attributes of gender played out in Cyberspace parallel the stereotypes men and women have in their everyday life.

MEN: Men more than women seemed to enjoy the interaction of online games, which draw upon power and dominance.  These types of games differ from video games in that characters interact with one another allowing all the players to recognize each other’s rank.  A character’s rank is formed as a player gains more strength and power through continued playtime.  Characters’ holding top level ranks earn recognition and respect from other players.  Not only is status achieved through these games, but also more often men seek to dominate other players.  Men seem to enjoy the aspects of violence, risk and dominance in such interactive games.

Cybersex is another area men seemed more attracted to than do women.  To give a brief background on how Cybersex is achieved, let me explain more about the types, through chat areas that exist online.  Chat rooms allow people to converse with one another about a variety of topics.  Some chat rooms are very sedate and dedicated exclusively to a particular topic such as games, sports, the stock market, travel, song or a particular topic, etc..  In other cases, "theme rooms" that have the ability to be locked or requiring special passwords to enter become highly sexual and one enters such a room with that understanding.  Married and single men alike discussed in vivid detail why Cybersex was so thrilling to them.

The addiction grows from the ability to cruise such chat rooms looking for uninhibited Cybersex, and things they would never do or say with their husbands and wives!  Online, there are men and women just wanting sex.  They don’t mind and even encourage the chatter to use them in an inappropriate way.  Women tend to draw inappropriate behavior out of men.  Men also enjoyed the ability to download available and easily accessible Cyber-porn that constitutes a major interest men show for X-rated Web pages.  This media provides quick access to adult photos, moving video clips, 900 phone numbers of available women complete with photo and sound clippings, and catalogs of foreign women for marriage.  In general, men were more openly drawn to the sexually explicit material accessible through the Internet.

WOMEN: Women more often than men seek out support, acceptance, and comfort through online relationships formed in chat rooms.  Communities of Internet chat rooms give women a sense of belonging and the ability to share the company of others in a non-threatening environment.  Such comments as "I love the idea that I was able to make such close friends online.  These people offered me so much strength, especially when I was having relationship difficulties.  I jumped online and asked for help.  So many of my online friends were there to help me it was so encouraging."

As men tended to look more for graphic cybersex, women tended to look more for romance in cyberspace.  In virtual chat areas such as "Romance Connection" "Sweet talk" or "Candlelight Affairs" a woman can meet men to form intimate relationships.  However, like a soap opera, tender moments with a romantic stranger can lead to passion and progress into sexual dialogue.  I should note that it is not unusual for women to engage in random cybersex, but many times, they preferred to form some type of relationship prior to sexual chat.

Women more than men enjoyed the ability to hide their appearance from others through anonymous electronic communication.  The emphasis in American culture for women to be slim, blonde and proportionate, makes women who don’t fit these characteristics feel unattractive and fear rejection from men based solely on their appearance.  However, through anonymous online communication, women have the chance to meet men without having to be seen and judged.  Online, women can be overweight or just having a "bad hair" day and not feel awkward about their appearance.  Conversely, attractive women also enjoy the benefit of meeting men without being judged as a "piece of meat."  As one woman put it, "Guys get to know me for me, and they don’t just think of me as a woman to get into bed."  For many attractive women who get hit upon in real life, the ability to anonymously interact with men makes them feel as if they are appreciated for their minds and not their bodies.

MEN and WOMEN CROSSING GENDER BOUNDARIES

Role playing, between men and women has been in existence from ancient Roman and Greek culture.  It was initiated during the 60’s and 70’s as a means of resistance and survival.  Rather than criticizing role-playing among women and men as being nothing more than submission to the dominant heterosexual pattern of behavior, which is the common critique of sixties and seventies feminists.

“There is argument for reevaluation as the significance of roles as a "powerful code of behavior" which shapes women's relationships both within their community and in relation to the so-called straight world.  Before the 1960's, when the movement for woman’s liberation became explicitly political in organization and strategy, transgressing gender boundaries through rigid male-femme role-playing was one of the few ways to resist the dominant heterosexist ideology.  Role-playing remains a powerful critique of the dominant gender hierarchy, particularly in terms of sexuality, because unlike the male role in heterosexual relationships, the women is concerned primarily with giving pleasure.  A woman in the cross gender role has nothing physically invested in this giving, so it can be done freely and unselfishly, while it is the femme's role to demand and receive sexual satisfaction, which is typically associated with masculine sexual activity.  Thus, as Davis and Kennedy demonstrate, woman’s-femme role-playing can hardly be understood as an imitation of heterosexuality as it works within the offline community, even though its appearance of imitation is what separates and preserves the community apart from and in resistance to the dominant heterosexual culture.” More research is necessary for this multifaceted behavior pattern.

Davis, Madeline, and E. L. Kennedy.  "'They was no one to mess with': The Construction of the Butch Role in the Lesbian Community of the 1940's and 1950's."  The Persistent Desire: A Femme-Butch Reader.  ed. Joan Nestle.  Boston: Alyson, 1992.  62-79.

Gender Differences in the Cyber World of Illusions

I write from a male perspective, of course this is who I am.  Nevertheless, I like to think that I can transcend gender stereotypes and roles in addressing these issues.  The bottom line is, men and women approach the cyber-world differently, just as they approach intimacy in the real world differently.  This affects the context of the whole discussion.  I know I am generalizing, but you have to make some fundamental observations or you never reach broad principles.  So, though balance, I favor the cyber-world, with a number of important conditions that I have listed in the above article.  I just wanted to note up front that gender differences are important in this discussion, and that I am fully aware that my female friends and readers may feel differently than I do.  I encourage those who are opposed or who share these viewpoints to contact me through the e-mail on this site.

The Lack Of Spirituality

You will notice the apparent lack of spirituality in the descriptions of Cybersex.  The full impact of this absence is by design.  When writing the four articles I felt it necessary to give you information from a physical and emotional perspective.  The absents of the spiritual aspect of MIND - BODY & SPIRIT is quite apparent.  As a general statement humans who are children of God can not be whole without the strength of God actively working in there life on a daily basis.

 Sometimes fortune offers close calls
we should take as warnings.

Having a sigh of relief is not enough; if we
are smart, we'll change our behavior.

Self-discipline is learned in the face of
adversity.