Part 1 "The Fractured Women"

By Dr. Jim Aquila

The Internet offers a world of possibilities - The problem is that it can be in an addictive world filed with to much time in front of the monitor and insufficient time on a relationship with your spouse.

Cybersex is not a gender issue.  Although, men have been singled out as the major abusers, the Internet allows women relative anonymity to assume other personas.

The fractured woman torn between commitment and pleasure, a prisoner of her own choosing.

The Internet offers a world of illusionary possibilities.  It was thought that there was gender differences when it came to participating in cybersex, and that men were the big abusers.  Not so, according to F. Grundy, “Women and Computers”, 1996, Intellect (Nuffield Library).  “Can women use the Internet for their own, gender-specific interests?  The Internet allows for relative anonymity in text-based and voice-based communications where women can adopt other personas.  But is this a cop-out, if everyone has to pretend to be able-bodied, white males?”

Cybersex is one of the more serious addictions.  Even substance abuse is no match for this illusive giant.  The problem of broken relationships is overlooked or ignored as being unimportant.  “All my friends are chatting I don’t see where it is so bad.”  In its mildest form, which in itself is a physical and psychological health hazard, the individual spends too much time in front of the monitor, and insufficient time nurturing their offline relationship.  In its daily practice, cybersex aggravates, deflates and ruptures the individual’s reality.  The process can undermine and destroy closeness; it builds relationship barriers, and leads the individual into areas of morality that are increasingly difficult to deal with.

At its worst it causes the individual to engage in sexual relations with a surrogate partner, whether in person or on the telephone, uttering words that are reserved for your spouse.  It is a process that describes to your surrogate partner your erotic fantasies. This type of communication only serves to arouse your physical appetites beyond the bounds of conscious control.  Starting or participating in long distance cyber-affairs result in the destruction of a normal healthy relatio9nships.

This new arena for affair making, although it does not initially involve physical contact, except possibly manipulating one’s own self, contains highly charged sexual energy.  It involves the same kinds of thinking and emotions, as do other affairs, including the secrecy that always accompanies divergent behaviors, sexual fantasy and physical excitement, as well as the denial and rationalization for one’s behavior.  It has the same potential for being devastating to the primary offline relationship.  Resulting in the individual spending more and more time online.  At first blush, this appears as an innocent activity that everyone does.  However, Internet games are a gateway behavior to more illicit addictive activity.

Online interactions provide an "escape" from the realities of day-to-day living.  “I want to have fun and pleasure all the time,” is the outcry of the online buff.  If allowed to wonder freely the online fantasy world can make the real world seem dull and boring simply because the sheer numbers of people accessing the net create unlimited potential for "newness."  You meet someone interesting online every time you log-on.

DANGER POINTS RELATING TO CYBERSEX

• You present the "best side" of your personality, and so does you’re serrate counterpart.
• You share confidences: hopes, fears, and sexual fantasies that are reserved for your spouse.
• This intense sharing brings you closer and closer together into an unholy bound.
• You fantasize about being more than online friends.
• You become infatuated with your "friend" and want more and more interaction.
• You feel as if you are "in love,” which is only an illusion created by distorted thinking.
• Your life partner suspects or knows about your online friends.
• You deny or rationalize about your online activities.
• Your partner becomes increasingly suspicious and is threatened by your behavior.
• You ignore or deny the hurtful impact this is having on your partner.
• Your partner learns more and is devastated by the situation that has come between you.
• You tell yourself that since there's no actual physical sex involved, it should not matter.  You deny that your thoughts are resulting in sexual activity.
• You grow closer to your online friend and become more distant from your partner.
• You want to meet your online friend in person, but know that the excitement and challenge of the pursuit would be over if you made contact.  This would force you to develop new contacts in order to keep your sexual stimulation at a high intensity.
• You feel like "soul-mates" or that you were "meant for each other."  Moreover, you voice this information regularly to your surrogate partner.
• You consider "risking it all" to see your online friend.  This is the ultimate cybersex adrenalin rush.  Much the same physical experience as derived from participating in X-games.
• You either meet and engage in sex or you don't and feel like "star-crossed lovers."
• Your life now has been changed in ways you never intended and the consequences of our actions become permanent.
• Your online relationship ends-and your "real" offline relationship may end as well.

The topic of cybersex is widespread and is bringing big changes to marital relationships that are destructive.  While you may not hear about it, an enormous number of people everywhere are very unhappy with their sex life.  Regardless if they are single or married, changing their situation is not easy but not impossible.  Change requires commitment, and a burning desire to set your life straight.

Because the subject cybersex is so expansive we have divided it into several parts that will explore some of the reasons for engaging in cyber sexual behavior on the Internet, and some of the remedies that every individual has at their disposal.

One important area of our life is our sexuality.  Our feelings and beliefs about our sexuality, our ability to nurture, cherish, and enjoy our sexuality, our ability to respect ourselves sexually, our ability to let go of sexual shame and confusion, may all be impaired or confused by entertaining explicit sexual events with a surrogate partner other than your spouse.

"When the soul is neglected, it doesn't just go away, it appears symptomatically in obsessions, addictions, violence and loss of meaning."    -Thomas Moore

BEWARE 

THERE ARE UNALTERABLE CONSEQUENCES ATTACHED TO YOUR THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS!

There is a consequence to everything you do in life.  Do something positive and you'll create a positive result; do something negative and you'll create negativity.  If you're bitter, cynical or arrogant, expect bitter, cynical and arrogant returns.  There is no mystery to this; what you do is self-fulfilling.

The sadness is that everything you do or say affects someone else at some level.  Either you're helping someone or you're causing them harm.  If you're not helping someone through the quality of your thoughts, actions, and words, stop before you affect the individual in a negative way.  Pause and look at the effects you're having on the other person.  You have no right to denigrate the human spirit.

WHO CREATES YOUR PAIN?

Although you may blame others for the distress you feel, your pain is your own doing.

Realize that people have the right to their feelings.  Some will like you and some won't.  If you accept the situation as painful then you are in error and must take a step back and ask yourself, why is this happening to me again?

RETURN ARCHIVES