In The Begining

When I began my career as a helping professional in 1971, I was quite ambitious about the difference I wanted to make in the field of chiropractic, specifically body/mind therapy and with the families in my community.  I came from a single parent home, my dad passed away when I was twelve, and it was very important to me that families succeed because I didn't experience success as a child.  Solving the mystery of how to have successful relationships and building an intact family has been my passion for as long as I can remember.

After 30 years of practice, I burned out on working strictly within the physical bookends of my profession.  It occurred me that to put off working on a relationship until it was in trouble was a set-up for failure, and yet being in trouble is the event that prompts people to get help from a therapist.

About the same time, I stumbled onto coaching, and fell in love with the process.  As a chiropractor, it was an attractive idea for me to work with functional people who have goals and want fulfillment in their lives.  Coaching struck me as a much healthier helping model than working with people after they have experienced damage and have had a number of failures.

One thing that I have learned from many years of work as a chiropractor, coaching individuals and more specifically coaching families is that Families are going to argue!  It's bound to happen.  If individuals can have conflict within themselves, how can two people with different histories, views of the world and different temperaments, hope to avoid arguing with their partner?  I am typically skeptical of people who say that they have been in long-term relationships and have never argued with their partner.  Either they are hiding their feelings or they are not being honest with themselves.  How a couple handles anger and conflict is at least as important as how they show love and caring.  It is usually during an argument that feelings are most often hurt.

It's important to understand what people do when they're angry with one another.

• When a couple argues, do the partners seek to destroy each other with words and actions?
• Do they have other agendas running?
• Do they show any hint of respect or courtesy for one another?
• Do they implicate their children, family, or friends when embroiled in a heated debate?
• Does either partner seek to end the relationship when things get tough?

Most of these issues are harder to detect when a couple is getting along versus when they are not.  It's important to understand what partners do when angry or hurt feelings are present.  There are numerous ways of helping people improve things; too many to list here.  However, I would like to present some of the ways in which people can make a bad situation even worse.  The following are examples of what couples do to make their relationship much harder than it needs to be.  If you recognize that you do these things, and become aware of them when they happen, and stop doing them by replacing those behaviors with the more acceptable alternatives.

Calling your partner on his or her job to start or continue an argument?

PROBLEM: This is an unfair thing to do with anyone.  The person being called is at a big disadvantage.  It's probably not convenient for them to talk because there's a lack of privacy.  They probably can't react the way they want or need at the time, which adds to the pressure they already face on the job.  It interferes with them getting their work done, and they become upset, they have to pull it together and try not to show hurt feelings in front of coworkers or their boss.  Another problem is that the person who was called may smolder about the conflict during the workday and either explode or shut down when he or she gets home.  The sad thing about the subject matter of an argument is that it is usually trivial and not worth the effort to vocalize.

ALTERNATIVE: Try this, if you must call your partner at work, don't get into the problem topic while on the phone.  Instead, schedule with him or her a time when you can both sit and discuss your differences, free from distractions, deadlines, and the watchful eyes of others.

Get everything off your chest, all at once?

PROBLEM: Many times, in an effort to present their side of things, partners will say what's on their minds in one long, seemingly endless monologue.  What the partner on the receiving end of this sees is a huge wall of words and information coming at them.  If the lecture is long enough, the listening partner has almost no chance to respond to what has been said, and if they do have a point to make, they've probably forgotten what it was by the time the speaker is done.  The result: one person gets to say everything he or she wants to, and one person gets to say very little and feels "shut down".

ALTERNATIVE: Before you and your partner sit down to talk, each of you is to have no more than one or two specific issues to discuss.  Restricting the issues to just a few items forces a person to prioritize what's important, and to discard relatively minor issues.  When each person presents what's on their mind, keep it to a couple of minutes in length.  Again, this forces one to choose and be specific about what is said.  Keeping the conversation brief helps the listener to not feel so overwhelmed and shut down.

Involve as many other people as you can to support your point of view?

PROBLEM: Few things will shut a conversation down quicker than partners who use what other people have said and done as a way of supporting their viewpoint.  Statements like, "Why can't you be like", and "I was talking to So-and-so and he or she said".  Statements like this not only get in the way of effective communication, but can easily build resentment and a resistance to listening to what each other has to say.  "Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath." 

ALTERNATIVE: Keep it local!  Use your own opinions and views when discussing issues with your partner.  Boundaries need to be drawn between the couple and whoever else may intrude on the relationship.  Infamous intruders are: children, in-laws, relatives, friends, and coworkers, all of whom offer their clever advice.  Remember: you are the one in the relationship, not "Gina's cousin's friend, Emma".

Expecting your partner to read your mind?

PROBLEM: A lot of people get caught up in the romanticism of ideas such as, "We're so compatible, we always know what each other is thinking", or "We've been together long enough that you should know what I want or what you should do".  While these thoughts may help the sales of romance novels, in the real world they often keep hurt feelings and heated conflict going strong.  The bottom line is this: regardless of how potent the love or how long the relationship has endured, expecting someone to read your mind and know what you're thinking is setting yourself up for eventual disappointment.  If you base the value of a partner's love for you on whether or not he or she knows, 100% of the time, your preferences or feelings about something, the first time the partner doesn't fulfill this huge expectation, you're bound to call into question the truth of that person's caring for you.  That's an awfully big consequence to accept, especially since you didn't directly tell the person what it was that you wanted.

ALTERNATIVE: Dispense with the sideshow mind-reading bit!  If you want someone to know or do something, tell him or her.  Anything short of a partner hearing what you want of them coming from your own lips is just speculation.  Clearly, between the two of you, only you know what it is that you want or need.  So, speak up!

Joking about aspects of your relationship or your partner to other people?

PROBLEM: While attempting to join in on party chitchat, many people bring up "little" things about their partner or their relationship because they think it's humorous, cute or not a big deal.  Guess what?  Those tidbits are probably humorous, cute, and no big deal to you!  Your partner might not take those things as lightly as you do.  Many a man has been embarrassed about his lovemaking prowess (or lack thereof), and many a woman have been humiliated by a crack about her weight or about getting older.

ALTERNATIVE: Don't do it!  Sensitivity is the word here.  Despite the party atmosphere, you're still making jokes or comments, airing your dirty laundry, or taking potshots at your love mate in front of other people!  What's worse is that if you touch upon something that your partner is particularly sensitive about, in addition to it being brought up in front of friends and strangers, these people are also laughing at them.  Is that what you really want to do to someone you care about?  Be careful at that party or gathering, or get ready for a very long and very quiet ride home!

In Closing...

The list of options here is not intended to be exhaustive by any means.  It's meant to give the reader some insight into behaviors that we all engage in at some point, and to raise an awareness of how they can make problems in a relationship even tougher to work through.  These are just hints and tips.  If couples have longstanding or very disruptive problems and issues, it is strongly recommended that they seek the services of a trained coach.  Many people are resistant to seek out this kind of help, because they feel that it's a sign of weakness or an indication that they can't handle their own problems.  For those of you who may feel this way, think about this: Even the most skilled surgeon in the world can't take out his or her own appendix; that person would have to rely on someone else to intervene, do what needs to be done, and then allow the healing to begin.