Helping Relationships Last

By Jim Aquila

The Shocking Facts

• Married people in a committed relationship are healthier, wealthier, and happier.
• 60 percent of marriages end in divorce.
• The divorce rate climbed more than 200 percent in the last thirty year.
• Fewer people are getting married today than ever before.

Why are these facts so startling?  Simple.

It's easy to "fall" in love, but very few people know how to stay in love.

"It lengthens life, substantially boosts physical and emotional health, and raises income over that of single or divorced people.”  (The cost, emotionally, physically and spirituality for people living together outside of the commitment of marriage is even higher.)  Quotes taken from an article in the New York Times. Marriage has also been found to boost happiness, reduce the degree of depression, and provide protection from sexually transmitted diseases.

One of the most upsetting pieces of evidence that shows people are not in touch with what's really going on in their partnerships.  People who file for divorce say they did not think there was a relationship problem just six months before breaking up.  The truth of the matter is that people don’t want to talk about issues of contention.  They may be embarrassed, loose control of the situation; don’t want anyone to know about what they are doing, and many other reasons that will temporarily justify their behavior.

Most couples wait six years or more to seek professional help when their relationship is in danger and even fewer are ready to admit that they are disconnected from communicating with God.  By the time they do wake up to the problem has generated significant negative consequences.

Where major mistakes are made.

Changing partners risking the chance of ending up in the same predicament again seems to be a way of life to some people.  Often the individual will change gender roles by taking on a new identity.  The result is always the same ending in confusion, hurt and frustration.

• Refusing to learn and develop a fabulous relationship with the partner you already have and within the plan of God.

• By ignoring the high rate of divorce, adultery in second marriages, and other vicarious relationships.  Getting rid of your partner does not get rid of the problem, because half of the "problem" is yours.

• Walking out on your marriage.  You cannot run away from yourself, no matter how hard you try!  "Wherever you go there you are."

• Blaming each other for the mistakes both have made.  Relationships are never one sided.  It reminds me of the story in the “garden of Eden”, “The Serpent beguiled me, said Eve and I did eat.”  Moreover, when Adam was asked, “What has happened?  The woman You gave to me as a help mate, she gave me to eat and I did eat.”  From the beginning, man and woman have pointed fingers at everyone except themselves.

• It is refusing to learn how to work as a team and to coach each other through the troubled times and the many power struggles.

Creating a safe relationship.

The basic objective of a good relationship is to create a “safe” relationship so you can express your needs and fears and effectively resolves anger and conflict.  This is a worthwhile task in life.  There are more relationships break up because people do not know how to validate each other (their frustration escalates to become anger) than for any other reason.  That is a sad commentary, because the skills for "fighting fair" are very easy to master with just a little practice and patience.

One of the biggest causes of unresolved anger between people is a lack of understanding.  Men and women have different strengths and weaknesses, different ways of expressing ourselves, and different "childhood wounds" that we are trying to heal.  While it may seem like we are from different planets- (reference to Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars)- we are actually very much alike when it comes to our need and desire for love, intimacy and compassion.  We only behave differently in our quests for closeness.  Stop doing what you think is "fair" or "right" and start doing what works!   It's not about "working harder" it's about "working smarter". 

Can this relationship be saved?

The vast majority of relationships can and should be saved.  In almost every case, couples can learn how to keep their relationships alive and growing thereby, reaping the rich rewards of a real and lasting love. 

However, you must ask yourself a few questions.  The marital relationship is a tug of war for power and control.  When one member of the relationship is more dominant or doesn't permit the expression of the other, the relationship will experience a halt in emotional growth of the individuals and the couple will begin to experience disappointment, fear, and worry.  Anger will become the predominant emotion that will devour the relationship leaving the couple with a sense of utter despair, confusion and just feeling hopeless.

At this point, many couples think about leaving the relationship because they just can't understand and work with the dynamics in the relationship and can't tolerate their conflicted feelings.  “I can’t come back, there has been too much happen."  Here the impulse to run away is extreme, but the reality is you can not run away from yourself.  It is essential that you know what your part is in the relationship, where it started and what makes it not work for you.  When each member of the couple can face their inner feelings and behaviors and takes responsibility for their actions leaving blame behind, then and only then does the couple have the opportunity for the marriage or relationship to be repaired.

Questions and Statements That Will Help You Take Responsibility and Stop the Blaming and finger pointing.

·      Are you allowing yourself to feel both positive and negative feelings towards your self and your partner?

·       Did anyone from your family of origin have similar problems with relationships?  Did they resolve them without running away?  If not, you may find yourself repeating the same patterns.

·       Begin to think about how you will begin to take responsibility for your part in the problem.  No mater at what point in your relationship the problem took place, ask, is the behavior still going on.  How long has his or her behavior been acceptable and without anger, and How could you change your action or reaction to a problem?

·       Ask yourself what is your part in your relationship not working?  (e.g., are you too passive, dominant, dependent, independent, aggressive, arrogant, do you not listen, can you feel the other person's feelings, can you be empathic,). List them.

·       Decide to change these attitudes one at a time.  Talk with your partner and share your feelings about your responsibility and your part in the problem no matter when they took place.

·       Don't expect immediate results-  Be consistent and realistic in your actions and reactions.

·       Learn to nurture yourself.  Do things that make you feel good both physically and mentally.  Making behavior and character changes requires a great deal of energy; therefore, caring for yourself in a nurturing way will promote the growth for these changes.

·       If you find yourself getting stuck and not able to make changes, seek the help of a good Christian counselor.

Suggestion: If you begin to blame the other for a problem, stop and ask yourself. "What is my part in making, and continuing the problem."  Use your energy to figure your part rather than accuse or criticize the other. Once you have figured your part of the inappropriate actions, share your thoughts and feelings with your partner and make the behavior changes.  Almost any relationship can be turned into a great one if the people involved are willing.  Couples stay together because they wake up their love and need for each other and make a conscious choice to commit to the relationship, move toward forgiveness, and stay together.

Dead ends are turning points.

Those who believe you've reached a dead end in your relationship are actually at the perfect point to turn things around.  Whether you're struggling with a relationship stalemate, wounded by adultery, frustrated by not being able to get past the third date, concerned about your long-distance or internet relationship, or just grinding gears.  Instead of avoiding the shifts and changes that go hand in hand with relationship building you can learn how to make up, stay together, and move forward toward real and lasting love.

Too many people break up before they make up a solid couple.  At the onset of a relationship or marriage, there's fascination, the promise of untold happiness, and the thrill of the chase.  However, at some point things begin to change.  One partner may begin to withdraw for no obvious reason, leaving the once pursued confused and insecure.  At this point, many relationships stop before they've really started.  Either there comes a point in every relationship where we wake up, or we break up.

Every relationship holds the potential for "sudden shutdowns".  What's both exciting and stunning is that this turn of events can actually solidify your partnership — if you know what to do.  There is no perfect relationship or person out there, so stop looking for perfection and work with the partner you have — or the one you're about to start a relationship with. Don't wait for the "right time", move now! Every relationship offers the experience we need to perfect our skills. In fact, the relationship process offers the perfect opportunity for personal as well as relationship growth.

Most relationships can be saved but you have to wake up, shake it up — and possibly even break up — before you can make up.  Married couples can learn how to stay together and reap the harvest of real and lasting love.  Singles can learn how to keep a relationship growing, instead of stopping it before it starts.  The truth is that men and women are actually very much alike even though the ways we behave and express ourselves can make it seem like "men are from Mars and women are from Venus." Both men and women are from Earth and we can all learn to change — and enjoy the ride! 

Forget the rule books

The first step in beating the odds is to throw away your rulebooks!  Misguided rules like, "Don't make the first move", "Don't sleep with him (or her) until you get what you want", or the other side of that: "Seduce him (or her) to get what you want", "Make her jealous", "Make him chase you, but never let him know that you care".  "Wait at least one week before you call back for another date", and "Play Hard to Get never look up from what you are doing to give him a response".  All of these things are nothing but self-serving games leading us further away from each other, instead of bringing us together.  These rules may appear to work while you're dating, but after you're married, just try playing "Hard to Get" when it's time to take out the garbage or the baby is crying!

When you use rules that don't work, your anxiety level goes way up!  We don't need rules, we need tools: straight answers, skills, dialogue, and action steps that work!  I call these tools Smart Heart Skills because we must use our heads and our hearts to create the relationships we'd love to have.

Forget the rigid rules if you want to create and sustain a love-filled relationship.  Thousands more relationships would be in full swing right now, if women would give up rules such as "Men have to make the first move".  Women are more prepared in many ways to make the first move.  Our socialization and upbringing makes us more comfortable with connection skills.  As children, while we were orchestrating a night on the town for our Barbie and Ken dolls, the boys were making battle plans with their GI Joes.  While we were having tea parties, they were having plastic sword fights! In short, we've learned different skills and have strengths and weaknesses in different areas.  That's why men and women complement each other in a relationship.

For single women, making the first move might be giving a man your business card or phone number, inviting him out for a date, asking him to dance.

For married women, making the first move might be inviting your husband for a romantic evening, bringing home travel brochures to plan your next vacation, or calling him at work to tell him you have a fun surprise ready for him when he gets home.

Another old rule that wreaks havoc in a relationship is the idea of "using sex" to get what you want.  Women have been unwisely taught to use sex as a way to get men to comply with their wishes.  This is one of the most destructive rules around.  Sex is a way to build intimacy and give each other pleasure.  Having sex and withholding sex may work as a form of manipulation early on in a relationship, but eventually this technique will create resentment and bitterness.

Let go of your old rules and ways that don't work for you or for him and be creative in taking the initiative to get things going and keep them going strong.  Remember, tools not rules!

So don't break up; wake up and make up!

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