Anger is one of the many emotional affects that life has to offer.  But, it doesn't have to control us.

Thoughts That Trigger Anxiety and Anger
"Are your thoughts creating stress for you in your relationship?"

 
The more anger towards the past that you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present.  ¾Barbara De Angelis

I’m Entitled: Thoughts can be very provoking.  The following is a good example, Lucille wanted to clean the kitchen but her husband insisted that she rest instead.  Lucille felt she was being treated like a child, and viewed her husband's attitude as controlling, and became very angry.  Seems harmless enough, but let us look at the situation a bit further.  Lucille may have been thinking that because she wanted something very much that she ought to be able to do it.  Thought projection such at this generates the feeling that there are certain things she that she is entitled to.

What’s Fair is fair?: This is another misconception that wanders in and out of our thoughts that is the fallacy of fairness.  Somehow, humans labor under the impression that an absolute standard of correct and fair behavior be present in relationships, and that processing in all relationships must be fair.  Whatever that means.  It is far more important to recognize that all needs of the man and woman are equally important and legitimate, and that both individuals can negotiate as peers.

Change, what does it all mean: In a marriage relationship we often come to dislike many things about our partner that may lead to serious conflicts.  Much of our thought life and resulting behavior is surrounded by the notion that we can really have control over and can change another individual.  Nothing can be further from the truth.  Remember that people will change only when they want to and the only behavior you can change is your own.

What is eating on you will eventually consume you: At times marriages have intense conflicts that promote vivid pictures in your head with resulting feelings attached to those pictures.  The belief that people who hurt you must be punished is a destructive thought clouding your ability to think clearly.  There are many disappointments in marriage; however, punishment or revenge will not get you what you want.  And the question is posed, “just what is it that you want?”

Relational conditions: The statement “I love you but…” is a statement of control.  It is an assumption that behaviors of others have special meaning, such as “if you loved me, you would do the dishes tonight”.  Disappointment does not necessarily mean that you or your partner doesn't care.  Most married people initially try to build a smooth, close, safe relationship, preferably one without friction.  In this process, sometimes the roles for husband and wife become very rigidly defined; there is no freedom, no room for growth or change.  Sometimes people think they need to pretend to be, or manufacture some way to appeal to their spouse; there is little honesty and intimacy if you think your spouse may not accept you as you really are, i.e. for better or for worse.  This excludes the presence of continued physical violence, in which case issues of violence must be resolved before relationship issues can be settled.

Saying what’s good or bad: The belief that people are good or bad, right or wrong, not seeing "shades of gray" or any less polarized view of another person or their behaviors. The individual must work on judging less, and allowing others to hold beliefs and ideas that are different from yours.  When your needs conflict with others recall that there is not necessarily a right or wrong way of doing things, only that your needs at any given moment conflict with your partner's.

Fullerton (1977), in the mid-70's, explained how "the perfect wife" becomes sad and angry.  A woman with self-doubts may be unusually anxious to please her new husband.  She tries to do everything the way he would want it done.  She believes: "if I'm the good, perfect wife, I will be loved."  Eventually being perfect with housecleaning and diapers and children gets tiresome and boring.  She becomes resentful.  Some evening when her husband arrives home from work late and finds her still mopping the floor, he asks, "Are you still cleaning?"  She bursts into tears.  She cries because it is easier to go into a rage against her husband (which she--the perfect wife--can't do) or turn her anger inward on herself.  She increases the self-criticism, and vows that she will never again place herself in a compromising position.  There she stays for the entire relationship.

Magnifying an event: Making things worse by focusing and "blowing up" the negative aspects of the situation (and usually minimizing the positive aspects.) (Work on not using words like always, never, and strive towards accuracy rather than exaggeration.)  An exaggerated situation may sound like the following:

I always wondered why I get so angry with my wife why I always felt like I’m protecting my self and I’ve almost figured it out, the last week because of all the talk about triggers I’ve realized what they are.  For some months, my wife has been living separately (her own room) within the same house.  My wife is physically driven and still wanted to find place to express herself, and found it over the Internet.  At first I felt rejection, but as time passed the feelings of rejection was over shadowed by a need to make things right.  I realized what triggers this feeling for me, and how angry she gets me.  I’m not going to be lead into her type of behavior or goaded with silent threats, or by her leaking information that she knew would get back to me.  In past times, this would get me very upset and I would want to settle the matter quickly so that we could get on with our life.  All these years I have wondered why I get so angry.  Some times, I want to leave.  However, in most other respects, she is a great person and I thought I could work it out.  In addition, some times I wish she would leave because I’m sick of all the brain games and want to be loved in a healthy way.  The question is posed: What do you think, am I off base is what she is doing wrong... am I??? After 21 years of the constant battle, of her thinking I did not love her because I hated to participate in her type of behavior and secretly threatening me with finding someone else, I accepted my ill-fated position.  She was going to do what she wanted without the slightest hint of remorse or the risk that of loosing her entire family.  It seems very stupid when I write this down.

The question is, “Who is exaggerating, or magnifying an event within this relationship?”

Labeling: Using words to label others, such as "my boss is an imbecile; my mother is neurotic; my father is stupid; I am a jerk, etc. (Work on not labeling. Instead, be specific about which behavior you observe.)

Anger, relating to labeling, is a common but dreadfully destructive process in human relations.  However, if all of us would learn to control our irritation, jealousy, resentment, violence, prejudice, psychological putdowns, labeling, etc., would it not be a much better world?  Of course, it would, but such goals seem so idealistic to many people, they think it is nonsense.  People say, "You can't change human nature."  I think it is very possible (in a couple of generations) to get people to tolerate, even to love each other.  It is an enormous task but such a worthy one that we must not give up.  Instead, we must dedicate ourselves to improving the world, starting with our selves.

The pessimist, who believes there will always be hatred and war, should note that the most primitive people on earth (discovered in the Philippines in 1966) are gentle and loving.  They have no word for war.  How do they control their aggression?  What is their system?  The entire tribe discourages mean, inconsiderate behavior and encourages cooperation from an early age.  Everyone is expected to provide a good, loving model for the children (Nagler, 1982).  Please note: This non-aggressive culture was developed without modern education, without great scholars, research and books, without powerful governments working for peace, and without any of the world's great religions.  If that primitive tribe can learn to love, why can't we?

This concludes a very exhausting topic.  I hope that you will continue to read articles I have written and that they my in some positive way make your journey to forgiveness a little lighter. -JFA

Are you the least bit concerned why you've felt compelled, against all reasonable counsel, to continue in an online relationship?  Wondering how or if you should break the news to your partner, or family?

If you are having an "online affair" with another person in a hidden chat room, its time to examine your motives and your current relationship.  It doesn't matter if your chatting, talking on the phone, exchanging emails, writing letters, having lunch together, or sneaking off for a weekend getaway.  The bottom line is: you are spending emotional time with another person.

This type of behavior is in opposition to marriage or a monogamous.  It tells everyone that you are not in a committed relationship and it indicates a serious break in your relationship.

Sooner or later each of us must decide what we believe.  You can't be a vegetarian slaughterhouse owner.  The two are mutually exclusive.

The decision about your marriage is not solely your own.  But to the extent you have a voice in what happens, your experience and your upbringing seem to be in conflict.  Whenever two elements in life are in conflict, we need to take a thoughtful look at them, then rid ourselves of the one which seems wrong.  That is the only way to end the struggle.

We can't make this decision for you.  You have to decide which value is higher.  But once you establish the habit of pruning contradictions in your life, your life will gain a force and a focus it never had before.

-The Coach

Anger ventilated often hurries towards forgiveness; anger concealed often hardens into revenge

-Edward Bulwer-Lytton

"Revenge is a foolish event that produces foolish behavior."

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