Anger is one of the many emotional effects that life has on us.  But, it doesn't have to control us.

At times, man needs to accept the influence of the woman without rejecting her.  This does not mean that he needs to say, “Yes dear” as a response, and to do whatever she wants.

Being grateful, being positive, being healthy calms the most wrinkled brow and lowers the most elevated eyes.

Men have more power to change their relationships than they realize!  Anger is not a gender issue.  Both men and women are equally responsible for events that generate anger and need to learn how to accept occasional negative feelings within the relationship, and to thoughtfully tolerate the negative feelings expressed by their mate.  In this way, they may communicate clearly and be responsible during times of conflict.  At times a man needs to accept the influence of the woman without rejecting her.  This does not mean that he needs to say, “Yes dear” in response to do whatever she wants.  NO!  It means that she be able to see that his choice to listen and his observable  behavior remains calm in the face of adversity.  This will go a long to influence and satisfy her needs and feelings.

Wouldn’t you agree that women are governed more by their emotional natures, and that men, being more objective, must exercise their responsibility to help calm an angry relationship.  Not everything in a relationship is about “who is right or who is in control.”  Most women are happy to experience understanding and empathy about their feelings, especially coming from their spouse.  This is a major issue when one or the other is “hook-uped” in Internet chat-rooms.  This is a place where someone who is unknown appears to show the individual chatting that they are in complete understanding and in tune with the individual’s problems.  This type of communication gives a false and deceptive notion that there is a genuine carrying individual on the other end of that chat line, and that he or she understands your feelings.  Not in the least.  It is one of the most dangerous and dishonest of all relationships and should be avoided at all costs, no matter how innocent that communication may appear.

For some men, in order to show their spouse that they are able to understand their view point, means that they must accept the spouse’s position.  It takes a great deal of objectivity in order to understand a women’s outrage while at the same time objecting to her behavior.  There is no doubt that man’s lack of physical and emotional attention has contributed to the situation at hand.  Therefore, men and women, let’s stop blaming and defending your behavior.  Building a relationship is a process of mixing the right ingredients into the cement of life.  Relationships develop and demonstrate a sense of mutual responsibility, respect and compassion for their partner’s experience.

Understanding how your spouse came to feel hurt or angry does not mean that you approve or agree with her conclusions.  Success or failure of a relationship is a two way street requiring both parties to resonate the kind of mental and physical energy that is healthy.  Therefore, as man increases physical and emotional attention in the form of respect and compassion for his partner’s experience of a problem, the woman must be gentler in approaching her mate with complaints or criticisms.  It is not what you said, but how you say it.  Dr. Michael Ryce, says it another way— “Did You Hear What I Think I Said.”  It says that I am interested in how you feel, however, don't emotionally accelerate from zero to 90 miles per hour when you’re expressing yourself?”  “I would listen to you and I know I wouldn’t be so defensive if I didn’t feel so overwhelmed with the emotional intensity of your delivery.”  “I would listen to you better if you would take a moment away from what you are doing when we talk to one another.”

A healthy relationship does not depend upon a special technique.  It requires that both the man and the woman participate in the process of building a strong foundation for their dreams.  Anger and frustration have no place in building a good relationship.  And yes, it takes time to get the mix just right. 

Next, Part 3— “Anger– From Conflict to Caring in Relationships”

“Thoughts That Trigger Anxiety and Anger”  

I still love my wife and am committed to our marriage, but I believe she no longer loves me.  Over the past few years we've become more distant, to the point where we no longer share any intimacy.  We have been married for twenty one years.

Many factors have contributed to our situation, but one major issue was our behavior outside of our relationship. She dearly wants to be totally independent.  We've come to learn that I'm intolerant of this type of behavior which has generated feelings within me that I'm am less than a man. This was quite a blow for both of us.  Neither of us wanted to give an inch to try to resolve the issues.  We investigated the possibility of counseling, but were both overwhelmed by the hoops we needed to jump through, as well as by the intrusiveness of the whole process.

Sooner or later each of us must decide what we believe.  You can't be a vegetarian slaughterhouse owner.  The two are mutually exclusive.

The decision about your marriage is not solely your own.  But to the extent you have a voice in what happens, your experience and your upbringing seem to be in conflict.  Whenever two elements in life are in conflict, we need to take a thoughtful look at them, then rid ourselves of the one which seems wrong.  That is the only way to end the struggle.

We can't make this decision for you.  You have to decide which value is higher.  But once you establish the habit of pruning contradictions in your life, your life will gain a force and a focus it never had before.

-The Coach

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