Is being Angry a necessary part of accepting loss and change?

Understanding how your spouse came to feel hurt or angry does not mean that you approve or agree with their behavior.

In A Blink Of An Eye Anger Will Destroy The Best of Relationships.

For several articles we will be discussing the vitally important issue of ANGER.  It is the one single event in a relationship that can block you from building a caring, loving foundation for your dream.  So we will take the time necessary learning to use the awesome power of your emotions in a positive way.  Let us start by understanding some of the goals of negative behavior.

You can tell what the purpose of someone’s mischief is by the way you project yourself— But remember one important point, “If you’re the one in pain, you are the one in error”.  In other words, if you feel that someone’s mischief is causing you pain, then instead of reacting to the projected mischief, you can ask yourself, “How is this behavior making me feel right now?”  “Which of the basic emotional needs am I seeking?”

GAINING ATTENTION.  The most basic and fundamental need of an individual is the need to belong— To be validated as being part of the group— To be thought of as a living breathing human and not an object— To bound and feel connected to your family, and your mate.  This is one of the strongest motives underlying the individual’s tendency for negative behavior.

FEELING POWERLESS AND OUT OF CONTROL.  The individual lives his or her life using old ingrained biases that tells them that he or she has a need to be able to influence and control the environment or others outside themselves.  They strive to control the outcome of the events going on around them in ways that are consistent with, and in service to, their biases and desires.  When they feel inadequate to do this, they become rebellious and defiant.

FEELING HURT.  The individual strives to protect themselves from their “perception” of an attack or the possibility of injury, whether real or imaginary.  They perceive every turnaround, major or minor, as if others were singling them out, especially by a spouse, friend or counselor.  They perceive this as torture and punishment.  They feel victimized and seek relief from their feeling through acts of revenge or to run to the next battle field.

FEELING DISCOURAGED AND HELPLESS.  The individual wants to withdraw from the situation for which they feel inadequate to cope with.  They perceive their situation as overwhelming and cannot maintain their immature sense of ego and pride, or to escape the reality of their own inadequacies.

THE SOLUTION.  Simple.  If you are to build your dream on a solid foundation, you must “disengage yourself from the mischief!”  This does not mean to ignore your basic emotional needs.  It simply means that you know exactly what is going on and choose not to be a part of the event.  In this way, you are disengaging from the mischief and misbehavior, not from them as a person.  You are choosing to behave appropriately in the reality of the situation.

After you have disengaged from the event, you will feel relief from the tension, pressure and stress of the moment.  You will feel in control, liberated, mature and secure within yourself.  You will not take the other's behavior "personally" as if it was a true reflection of your own worth as a human being.  You will feel appropriately responsible and competent to handle the situation.  The more you practice disengaging from another's behavior, the better you will become at it, and the more the individual will respect you— and the more you will respect yourself.

We know that anger doesn't help.  In recovery, the watchwords are self responsibility and personal accountability.

Accountability is an old fashioned idea that says “You are answerable for your actions— and dear friends your inactions”. -Arthur Unknown

Ultimately, surrender and self responsibility are the only concepts that can move an individual forward, but to get there we may need to allow ourselves to feel angry and to occasionally indulge in some blaming, but never to allow that anger to fester in our gut and shape an angry self image.

God, help me learn to accept my own anger as a part of achieving acceptance and peace.  Within that framework, help me strive for personal accountability.

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